'Thoughts and Feelings'

Thoughts & Feelings  

I feel like a near extinct, unknown species.
I often don't like myself. I feel like I'm 10,000
Years old.
…Like I lived longer then I was ever meant to.
I lived longer then I ever should have.
Was there ever any people that thought like I think?
I wonder does anyone else feel this way?
How am I suppose to feel?
How am I suppose to think?
Is the way that I am, anything close to; "Normal"?
Was I born this way? Did I somehow do this to myself?
I'm forever changing, but it only seems like
I just get more intense.
I enjoy the experience of life, at the same time it often makes me uncomfortable.
It feels like a strange drug. One I don't like the effects of. I'm aware I'm under the influence of this, "Drug"… and I really can't wait for it to wear off.
…But I'm not on a fuckin' drug. The feeling is not going to wear off. It must be dealt with.
I don't like the company of hardly any of the other humans around me.
I don't like being made to feel I have to pretend.
I can't speak my mind.
…and no matter how much I try to look like them,
No matter how much I keep my mouth shut.
These feather less, fur less, scale less, gross
Combination of all animals combined…
They seem to smell, 'Different" on me.
They don't understand quite what it is.
I don't really understand quite what it is?
I only know I'm different.
The other humans dislike and even fear what they don't understand.
So I stay away from contact with them as much as possible.
I live in the infinite cage that is in my mind.
I have my books. My Art, my Music.
I have a few very beautiful intelligent people that love me a lot, just like I am.
I'm grateful for them.
They pulled the suicide card out of my deck.
I live to grok with them, and all else that lives.
R. Allen 2009